Love?
by Strife3
Summary: After hurting Amelia years before; Zel is now back - as a human. Will Amelia give him another chance, over Xellos who has been her friend all those years... but wants something more?
1. It began

A/N: this is the first part. It is divided between Lina's and zelgadis's point of view...  
  
  
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Lina:  
  
She wanted him the first time she saw him. She wanted a lot of things then; she was young and very, VERY ambitious, but Zelgadis... His little half-smiles... His deep silky voice, his lean body... She wanted him even when she thought he was a villain.   
When they started traveling together, she noticed he noticed her sidelong glances and longing looks. He would always give her the same crooked smile, more of a smirk. She'd always smile back, trying to hide the butterflies in her stomach. Gourry never noticed a thing.  
  
Gourry... Ah, Gourry... She felt very conflicted then, she just couldn't decide what to do. She felt she had to have everything: Gourry's friendship, his ward, unconditional kind of love, his protection, and of course, his Sword of light. She didn't want to hurt him; she somehow knew that Zelgadis was never the type to settle down... That he would run off sooner or later... Mumbling about that cure of his as an excuse... And what would she do than? She had to have someone to fall back on.  
  
She tried to fight the growing attraction, the explosions Zelgadis would cause in here with a single accidental touch. It just wasn't happening. She didn't know what to do, but couldn't take the situation much longer.  
Zelgadis started to look restless and she didn't have much time.  
  
They stopped at a road inn, and ordered glorious amounts off food, as usual. Zelgadis sat in the corner (as usual), and ordered himself some coffee. He didn't even look at her once, and somehow... that only added strength to her resolve. She fumbled around her bag for the sleeping drops she always carried (she sometimes had problems sleeping on the road), and, making sure he wasn't looking, carefully added a few drops to Gourry's drink. All she had to do now was... wait...  
  
Half an hour later Gourry was sleeping in his room like there was no tomorrow.  
She inched closer to the object of her desires. She made up some story about being afraid of an ambush in her room (very much see through, but she just didn't care), and when they entered the room, she quietly locked the door. Zelgadis was giving her a questioning look.  
  
'Am I attractive to you, Zel?' She whispered.  
'Yes'. He simply answered.  
'Could we keep this a secret', she tried to say in a seductive and husky voice, afraid of his reaction.   
'Of course, Lina...' he told her with a sly grin, taking her in his arms.  
  
The next morning he was gone.  
  
  
Zelgadis:  
  
He hated himself. He hated the way he looked, fueled, walked. But that was only the surface.  
  
Because...  
  
All the talk that Redo gave him DID get to him. He just never showed it.  
Deep inside, he loved his strength, power, speed. He was proud of his unfeeling heart and felt slightly above the rest. He could see through them... Their petty motives... his quest was pure. A quest for cure he didn't even know he really wanted.  
  
And contrary to what he let on, he did know women liked him. Swooned over him. Loved his 'heartless, magic using swordsman attitude'. Loved him even more for his holy quest for cure. You always cherish the things you can't hold on to.  
So... it was just his arrogant, hard exterior... hiding his soft and tortured middle... enveloping a hard, arrogant core. The irony of it was that he kept that deepest part of him hidden, away from people and away from himself. To be human for him was to have soft, pink skin. Deep feelings were never part of the bargain.  
  
He noticed the looks the redhead sorceress was giving him. They made all the endless walking more... interesting. Lina was cute, and he never did like tall women. She had fire... Spunk... He was sure she could keep his bed warm for a night or two, he thought with a smile.  
  
The last night of his stay with them, he noticed the sleeping drops, although he didn't say anything. Had she wanted him that much? Maybe for her it was more then just attraction? He hoped not, for her sake. He didn't have time to fall in love. He just didn't have those feelings in him.  
  
When she brought him to her room, she asked him to keep quiet about what they were doing (Can you keep a secret, Zel?). His doubts disappeared after that, and he totally abandoned himself to desire. It was as good as he expected. Redheads were always ... passionate. When she fell asleep, he dressed himself and left, quietly. It was better that way. She would feel less attached to him without the infamous 'morning after'.  
  
Till we meet again, Lina.   
  
  
Lina:  
  
  
Zel has been gone for over 4 months now. She missed him very badly... At first she tried to take comfort in Gourry's constant sweetness and adoration, but his behavior was such a negative to Zel's that it only, somehow, made things worse. She didn't treat him very well, she knew that: she yelled at him, fireballed him, kicked him. All because he wasn't Zel... But Gourry didn't mind. He loved her even more for it, and that irked her even more, and so... The never-ending cycle...  
  
The situation became somewhat better when they met with Amelia and Phil. Phil was the crown prince of Saillune (although you couldn't tell by looking) and Amelia his perky and hyper-active daughter, the princess. They were both... how to put it... well, justice freaks is the term that stuck. Phil soon left their company, but Amelia stayed (a bit to do with the demise of a certain Saillune tower). Not being alone with Gourry anymore calmed down her irritation at him not being Zel… A lot. And she had to admit... Amelia grew on you. She was clumsy, yes, and irritating with the justice speeches. Always too enthusiastic. But she was 14; she had a right to be a bit immature. She had that wide eyed look you just couldn't refuse. Lina thought of her as a younger sister soon.  
  
Then Zelgadis came back, about the whole Copy Rezo incident. He didn't take to Amelia very well (she said he looked creepy and suspicious), and Amelia seemed to be somewhat scared of him. She didn't care, she was just so... happy he was back. She smiled at him and he smiled back. They picked up where they left of, and Lina felt complete again. She tried not to mention the word Love to him, because it seemed to bother him, and not to notice how he wasn't very affectionate to her. She convinced herself they had more than just sex. She knew he just HAD to love her sooner or later... She was Lina Inverse, for God's sake!  
  
Keeping things a secret no longer mattered to her, she was... in love...  
But he hated public displays of affection so they continued as they were. It was better for her, she reasoned. She still needed Gourry.  
  
2 years had passed and they were still all traveling together. Nothing changed with her and Zel, nothing. No 'I love you's' she so wanted to hear, and he never ever stayed the night. He never let anyone notice that they were sleeping together. She didn't push (which was really hard on her, considering her temper... eh... what people did for love), hoping that patience was the key with him.   
  
She first noticed IT... Him watching Amelia... At the Onsen (Hot Spring). Since when? Since when did Zel tolerate Amelia? Not just tolerate, but actually smile at her? And not just those sly smirks, but pure, heartfelt smiles?? What did she miss???  
  
  
  
Zelgadis:  
  
Well, he was in the group once more. It was definitely nice to see Lina again; he missed a woman in his bed. Now they had some kind of a brat with them, Amelia (she called him a creep?). When and if he thought of her, he saw her as a very annoying and hyper-active little princess (literally and figuratively). He picked up where he left of with Lina and concentrated on the immediate danger of Copy Rezo, forgetting his cure, at least for a while.  
  
As the time passed, he learned a lot of surprising things about Amelia. For one, the little brat could do Rah Tilt and a couple of other shamanist spells besides white magic! She actually proved to be a great help in their fight with Rezo, despite her whining. She cryed sometimes and complained casually, but it was less then most girls her age and astonishingly not as much as expected from a princess. She definitely wasn't spoiled.   
  
Then, one evening, he learned of her mother and sister. It shone a whole new light on her: her obsession with justice, her constant enthusiasm now just seemed... plain heroic. She wasn't as bitter or depressed as he was, although she had every right to be. At that moment she stopped being annoying to him, and he even felt some gentleness towards the girl. He sighed. Not exactly appropriate for a heartless, magic using swordsman.  
  
He noticed Lina getting a bit angsty, and giving him long sad looks when she thought he wasn't looking. He knew she fell in love with him, but there was just nothing he could do about it. He just didn't feel the same... or think he ever would. Lina was great, really, and he enjoyed her company (in a variety of ways), and he did care for her, but there was no love there. Not for him. Maybe he should break it off now, and it would hurt less? But somehow, he never got around to it. She never complained, bothered him, or had tantrums (which was really weird, keeping her temper in mind... is that love?), and always looked at him so sweetly... So he just left things the way they were.   
  
He noticed Amelia developing a crush on him. She wasn't very good at hiding her feelings, true, but she didn't even try to hide her crush. She was always around, helping him, or just hanging of his arm. She even risked her life a couple of times for him, quite foolishly though, as his stone skin was much tougher then hers. At first, it was very irritating, so he would remove his hand or just told her to go away. She would, but she just seemed to forget all about it the very next day and acted the same. As he didn't really hate her (and there was that tender streak she touched within him), he gave up after a time. He really didn't mind that much any more, he got used to it.  
  
One evening while they were setting camp, he had noticed that Amelia wondered away. He felt a pang of worry for her, and it surprised him greatly. He was worried... about her? Well... she was like an annoying little sister, after all, he reasoned... she is very young, and traveling this wilderness, someone should take care of her, right? But... he wasn't the 'taking care of someone' type, he decided. He'd leave that to the rest of the group. He pointed her absence to Gourry, and let them handle the rest.  
  
Then, a priest called Xellos joined the group. Zelgadis felt suspicious of him right from the start, and Xellos did enjoy making him suffer. It turned out that Xellos was a Mazoku (why wasn't he surprised?), but somehow, they were still all traveling together.  
He started to notice Xellos around the little princess more and more. Smiling at her, joking, and teasing her until she would blush. Helping her in battles. Complimenting her looks. He was very obviously interested in Amelia, and not as a friend.  
  
That made Zelgadis... mad. He naturally put it to he's brotherly feelings for the gentle princess (he did have to admit he had some towards her, tough), and tried not to let Xellos stay alone with Amelia for long. Xellos noticed his interferences in the seduction of Amelia, and their not so good relationship to start with, took a turn for the worse. Zelgadis was just happy that Xellos didn't know anything about him and Lina, because then he couldn't tell Amelia.  
  
That train of thought caught him by surprise. Why wouldn't he want Amelia to find about him and Lina? He didn't think of Amelia in... THAT... way... did he? No, of course he didn't. He just never wanted her to stop looking at him the way she did, with those huge pools of blue. The innocence shining from her eyes. That look made him smile.  
  
A lot of things made him smile about her, now that he thought about it. He found her justice speeches amusing, and her klutz attacks cute. Stop it Zel. Stop it. It is Amelia you are thinking about. And it seems you are thinking of her quite a lot recently.  
  
He started feeling guilty about Lina. But... Not towards Lina, because of his thoughts of Amelia. He felt guilty in front of the pure princess, for sleeping with Lina, someone he didn't really love. But he never let anyone notice this change in his attitude, especially the girls concerned, Lina and Amelia.   
  
Then there was the... Onsen. The day when he stopped deceiving himself of the nature of his feelings for Amelia.  
  
Himself, Gourry, and unfortunately, Xellos, were already there, soaking in the revitalizing water of the lake. Then they came, Lina and Amelia. He had already seen Lina's petite body in various states of undress, but Amelia... This was the first time he actually saw her in anything else then her traveling clothes. She was... breathtaking. She wore a red bikini, not as skimpy as Lina's blue one, but... Her body... Voluptuous breasts... Long shapely legs... Tiny waist... Flat tummy... He could see the muscles in her legs move under her skin as she walked. He could see her breasts rising and falling with every breath she took. Her still childlike movements combined with such a sensuous body made him gasp for breath of intense desire. Not very brotherly... but he couldn't care less at the moment. He just couldn't take his eyes off of her, as she just jumped and ran around happily as she always did.   
  
When he gathered the strength too stop staring at her, he saw Xellos looking at Amelia with what you could almost call a predator look on his face. Xellos got up, and went towards Amelia. Zelgadis silently watched, rage boiling in him, as Xellos pushed her in the water, and started splashing her around or using any excuse to get into physical contact with her. He was planning to move and put a stop to it (damn hentai Mazoku), when he felt watched. He lifted his head and was eye to eye with... Lina. Lina watching him with inexplicable fury. Lina being jealous.  
  
  
  
  
  
Lina:  
  
  
She just freaked out when she saw the way he was looking at her. She never remembered him looking at her that way. She knew Amelia had a crush on Zel, and was paying a lot of attention to him, but how could it ever work? Amelia was an eccentric flake, too alive, too happy, too much... everything. Zel was... Well... Zelgadis. Why did he smile at her so gently? Why did he look at her with so much desire? Was it the breast issue?  
  
She felt a burning hate rise within her. How could Amelia do this to her? Make her suffer like this? And then she remembered... Amelia didn't know. Nobody did. She sometimes even encouraged her little crush finding it funny and amusing. There was no reason to hate her... Just him. She got up from her seat and left, shooting a dirty look to Gourry, warning him not to follow her.  
  
She waited in her room for Zelgadis to come. He would come, or she would Dragu Slave him. No more patient Lina. No more pathetic Lina in love.  
  
When he finally came, most of her boiling rage has cooled down to cold and vicious anger. Quietly she spoke: 'Amelia, Zel... Amelia?'  
  
'What about her?' he answered, in that calm and reassuring voice of his. Damn, she loved that voice. So... he was just going to deny everything?  
  
'You find her attractive?'  
  
He walked across the room and stood next to the window. He stared through it a couple of minutes and then answered:   
  
'Lina, I thought you knew me by now. There is no room for romance in my life. You are the one that came to my bed. That accepted this arrangement. I thought you understood that, so even if I did have feelings for someone else, you have no right to act this way. We are not married. We are not even in a relationship. Just sex... And I think it better end here.' He got up to leave.   
  
So that was it. She wanted to say something, to stop him from walking out of that door, to make him kiss her, to make him take back what he said. But he was... so cold... She just couldn't allow herself to fall apart in front of him. She was Lina Inverse.  
  
So she just let him go.   
  
  
  
  
Zelgadis:  
  
  
  
He was sorry about how it ended with Lina; he never wanted to hurt her. She just... stopped being interesting to him. He just hoped Lina wasn't going to be too bitter about it.  
  
Everything changed after that. Lina became more and more bossy and pushy, and treated Gourry worse then ever. (He wondered about that, it seemed that her behavior to Gourry and their relationship had always somehow been connected.) She was often found just staring at Amelia, and there was no more tenderness in her eyes. He was very sorry to see Amelia suffering at the change of their relationship, and not really knowing why. As for her attitude towards him... She treated him better then ever before. She always tried to be smiling, she tried to be a little bit more…gentle... a little bit less pissed off all the time… In short, it seemed to him she was trying to be... Amelia. This just didn't suit her. He shrugged subconsciously, not knowing what to do about it.  
  
They were currently on the road to Atlas City, following a lead to an ancient spell book of great power. Amelia was walking next to him, talking about her soon to come 17-th birthday party with great enthusiasm. Her big eyes shone excitedly as she continued: 'And there will be plenty of food to accommodate Lina and Gourry, of course... Daddy met them, I'm sure he doesn't want to be dragu slaved if the food runs out... And it will be an elegant ball, so I will get to have a new dress made… I just hope they don't make it too pink and fluffy, after all, I'll be 17, and more mature, and…' she continued talking.   
  
He wasn't really listening to what she was saying anymore, he just enjoyed the way she would sometimes jump in excitement, or giggled at something she imagined, or frowned in horror when she imagined what Lina and Gourry would do if there was no food. She was just so cute and sweet, radiating love for life. She was everything... he was not. Opposites attract, hmmm?   
  
He was barely able to hide an amused smile as he was watching her go on and on like that. Then she tripped and fell flat on her face, and she blushed furiously at the embarrassment. Amelia. Not exactly gracious as the princess she was. He helped her up, and she thankfully squeezed his hand before promptly picking up where she left of with her story. At that physical contact his thoughts weren't exactly pure anymore.   
  
He stopped contemplating her cuteness and took in the way her hair shone in the sun, her dark hair the perfect offset for her white flawless skin. He couldn't stop his eyes from taking a quick glance up and down her body, involuntarily thinking about what she looked like in that bikini. Damn... He should stop that right now... She wasn't like Lina, she seemed so young and naive, completely inexperienced and unaware of what effect she had on men. The way she would blush every time they accidentally touched made him sure he was her first crush. He shouldn't take advantage of that... right? He wasn't here to stay. And he couldn't give her anything more then pure lust. Just wasn't his thing. He noticed Lina watching them with a corner of his eye. It made him uncomfortable.  
  
Two weeks passed in a similar manor. Then, one morning they were attacked by a Mazoku. Not a particularly powerful one, but he did get them by surprise. The Mazoku started randomly shooting out some fireballs in what Zelgadis only guessed it found a threatening manor, and roared a couple of times. Lina quickly disposed of him with an Elmekia Lance (it still amazed him how powerful she was.). He turned around expecting to see Amelia yelling 'VICTORY' at the top of her lungs, but what he saw froze him.   
  
Amelia… On the ground... Not moving... And a lot of blood. He started running to her and calling for help, shocked at the raw strength of emotions that stormed through him. He saw Xellos appear beside her with a determined look... And he just disappeared with her. Took her away from him. He fell to his knees and tried to get a grip at reality. What... what happened to him? He didn't react this way when Lina almost died at the hands of Copy Rezo...  
  
'Xellos... Xellos… Where are you? What did you do to her...? What did you do to her you BASTARD?' he shouted. He felt a hand on his shoulder and saw Gourry trying to give him a reassuring look. 'He just probably took her somewhere he can help her... You know he is the most powerful of all of us… And he does have a soft spot for Amelia, he wouldn't let her die.' Zelgadis was amazed... Gourry was actually making sense. Xellos did like Amelia, which was a lot for a Mazoku. He would help her. He had to.  
  
He got up, thoroughly ashamed of his display of emotions, and started following Lina and Gourry to the nearest inn. They walked in silence, a shaken Zelgadis not noticing the sad looks Lina was giving him.  
  
  
  
  
Lina:  
  
At first she thought it was just a fleeting attraction, that he would surely get sick of the little brat. What was it about her, that kept Zelgadis and Xellos so interested? A moody chimera and a mazoku, making fools of themselves for our little justice freak. But she noticed the barely hidden smiles Zelgadis had when looking at her, when he thought nobody would notice. Those smiles spoke of more then lust, and Lina was in pain. She would kill for a smile like that.   
  
She decided to wait, for surely Zel wasn't the romantic type. Whatever it was, it would pass soon, because Amelia was not someone Zel could fall in love with. He needed someone stronger and more powerful, like her. And for the physical attraction... Amelia was still young and a princess. With her strict upbringing and justice colored outlook on life she surely wouldn't allow Zel have his way with her, in love or not. So… All she had to do was wait. Zelgadis would come back, for sex if not anything else.  
  
Then Amelia got hurt. She never saw Zel look like this before. She didn't even think Zel could look like this. Grief stricken. Lost. Not in control. Oh yes, he quickly regained his composure, but it was too late. Lina knew Zelgadis loved Amelia, really loved her, even if he didn't know it yet himself.   
  
Dinner at the inn passed in silence and angst. Lina kept watching Zelgadis's face for traces of emotions she saw earlier, but nothing came through anymore. The only clue to his feelings what the coup of coffee that stood in front of him, completely untouched.   
  
Xellos appeared later that night, cradling the sleeping Amelia in his arms. He assured them he managed to completely heal her, and she would wake up almost completely refreshed after a good night's sleep. Zelgadis looked relieved, even tough he tried to hide it. Gourry was smiling. Lina just kept looking at Zelgadis, not feeling anything else then sorrow. She didn't really want Amelia to die, of course… But she was already at the stage when she wouldn't mind her death terribly, either.  
  
She waited for Gourry to go to bed, and then went to Zelgadis's room. She found him absently staring through the window, not even noticing when she came in, chimera senses or no. Love... love did this to people, Lina thought sadly.  
  
'Zel?'  
'What do you want, Lina?  
He didn't even turn to face her.  
'You love Amelia?' She tried to keep her voice from shaking.   
'Humans love. I'm a chimera.'   
'I saw you today. You love her.' Lina whispered.  
'I don't love. I lust.' He finally turned around and kissed her. The kiss was brutal and it was hurting her lips, but she didn't mind.. She let herself go.  
  
  
  
  
Zelgadis:  
  
Why was he with Lina again? He tried to remember what possessed him to kiss her that evening. Was it what she said about Amelia? Was he trying so hard to prove he didn't love her? Did he love her?  
  
It didn't really matter now. He will put a stop to this. He can't be like everyone else, fall in love and be mushy and settle down. He wasn't like everyone else. He was blue, for god's sake.   
  
Lina will be a good distraction. Whatever his feelings for Amelia were, they will have to be cut off, right now, in the beginning. She just wasn't worth it. Nobody was.   
  
He silently crept out Lina's room, like the night before and many nights in the weeks that passed. He didn't feel relaxed, fulfilled or anything he hoped the nights with Lina will bring. He still felt just a tiny bit empty and sad, the way he felt ever since he decided to completely get Amelia out of his system. Since she got better, he acted like a total jerk towards her; he ignored her, he laughed at her clumsy falls, he shot her looks of contempt after her justice speeches.   
  
He noticed Amelia growing more silent, and she would no longer always try to walk with him or cheer him up. Success, right? It didn't feel like it. He convinced himself it was only his ego suffering at the lack of attentions.  
  
He also noticed Amelia becoming more and more close to Xellos, who seemed to be more than happy to comfort the little princess. It made him so angry when he saw them laughing together… He repressed those feelings until nightfall, when he would come to Lina and let go of his pent up frustrations. Their lovemaking was becoming more and more violent, he was trying to make himself… forget. But still, every night, just like this one, it took him hours to fall asleep… To drown out the little voice inside his head which tried to make him see what he so desperately tried to hide.  
  
Her 17-th birthday was drawing closer. Only 2 weeks left now. He knew she would leave then, her father and people needed her, more then Lina and Gourry did. He of course was fine without her. Of course. But he still couldn't help himself watching her any time he had the chance to go unnoticed... Listening to her conversations with Xellos and smiling at her constant tries to convert him. It seemed that Amelia didn't quite get the concept of a mazoku as a creature born evil, but Xellos didn't seem to mind. Damn mazoku.  
  
Only one week left now. The atmosphere in the group was definitely glum; it seemed only Gourry didn't notice it. He felt more and more angry with Lina, her spirits were high and she wasn't trying to hide it. She even started talking to Amelia again. Wish he could do that. But he kept to the side, silent and serious, not engaging in any conversations.   
  
It was their last night together. Tomorrow Amelia will be gone. She tried to convince them all to come with her, as they promised before. Lina whipped out a family crisis of some sort which demanded her return home as soon as possible. Gourry of course wanted to come with Lina. Zelgadis didn't give any excuse, he just said he didn't want to come and gave her the coldest look he could muster. His chest tightened at the look on her face, and it took a lot of self control not to comfort her. She looked just like a little lost girl when sad. But she didn't cry… She just stared at him for a couple of minutes, with a look that almost broke his heart. (What heart, his mind yelled at him, you're a heartless sorcerer/swordsman!). Then she took of one of her bracelets and put it front of him.  
  
'Zelgadis-san… You may not want to take this... But I want you to have it. I know you don't like me very much and sometimes you and the others find me annoying, but I enjoyed your company... When you were kind enough to give it to me. And I want you to know you can come to Saillune any time you feel like it or need to. I will always be happy to see you, Zelgadis-san. 'And then went upstairs to her room.  
  
How could she be like this? He was such a jerk to her, and she thanked him for his company? Amelia... She truly was a wonder... But better for her to go, he can have his peace of mind back. This is what he was waiting for. So why was he feeling so empty and dull? He wanted to feel anything, anything else rather then this. He got up and went to Lina's room… Stopping to take bracelet before he left.   
  
Amelia left them after breakfast. She acted strangely quiet the whole morning, avoiding looking at either him or Lina. Her eyes were red and swollen. He knew Amelia didn't want to leave them, but he had no idea she would be this distressed?  
She said her goodbyes rather coldly and distantly, hugging only Gourry and Xellos. Then she was gone.  
  
He thought about her odd behavior the rest of the day, and a lot of times during the next 2 years. It was just strange for Amelia to be cold and distant to anyone, and especially after what she said to him only the night before. For some reason, the thought of her not liking/loving him anymore bothered him immensely. He liked to picture her back at Saillune, waiting for him, even tough he wasn't even sure himself if he would ever come back. He tried to throw away the bracelet a number of times but always ended up going back for it.   
  
A month after Amelia left the group, he said goodbye to Lina and Gourry and went off to find his cure. Lina didn't take it very well, but he didn't really care. For the first time in years he felt sure he actually wanted to be human. And then what?   
  
He'll just cross that bridge when he comes to it.  
  
  
  
  
Lina:  
  
He left her. He abandoned her and he wasn't even sorry for it. She cried before him, begged him not to go. Lina Inverse, begging. But his eyes didn't get softer; there was no compassion for her. Not even pity. How she wanted to hate him… She knew that was wishful thinking, tough.  
  
But she managed a smile when he left. She had her revenge on him. He couldn't be happy with his princess, she made sure of that.  
  
She remembered the night before Amelia left... She knew that it would pain him, her leaving; she knew Zelgadis would come to her to banish the pain. So she approached Amelia and asked her to come by her room later that night, so they can have a proper goodbye. Just the girls, tee hee. Lina had planned this for some time; she even managed to act friendly to Amelia that whole week so it would work.  
  
Zelgadis came later, looking even more distressed then she expected. His brutal kiss told her all she needed to know about his mental state. Lina kissed him back and waited, positioning them so that Zelgadis's back would be to the door. After a while she heard the soft creaking of the opening door, and saw Amelia's head pop in. Saw the look in Amelia's eyes as they widened. And then the door closed.   
  
Next morning Amelia's eyes were all swollen and red from crying and she wouldn't even look at Zel. She left without another word to him. Lina knew Amelia was too loyal to her, and too young too accept the idea of making love without… love.   
  
So Zelgadis, you might have left Lina Inverse here, all alone just with blockhead Gourry, but you won't be happy, even if you evolve emotionally enough to realize you love Amelia.   
  
And then... Then... he just might come back to forget about the pain. 


	2. Amelia

Amelia stared at her image in the mirrors. She has changed so much since she left the group, but the mirror didn't show that much. A bit taller, a bit older, nothing much. She could still easily pass as 16, what really didn't bother her. Amelia learned that she could get away with pretty much anything she wants if she smiled innocently enough... And nobody expected her to have well developed magical abilities. Yes, looking fragile and younger had its advantages.  
  
Her style of dress changed dramatically, tough. Short tops and cargo pants when free, and vast collection of dresses when being official. Nothing frilly or pink, anymore. Blues, greens, yellows... even black. But never beige. She didn't think she cared for beige anymore.  
  
She had a distinct feeling of being watched... She casually turned around... 'Xellos-san, how nice of you to join me.'  
  
In the past 2 years Xellos was the only one of the group who made the effort of visiting regularly... Every few weeks at first... But his visits were becoming more and more frequent, so he was in Saillune almost every other day now. She had a pretty good idea why... Xellos never tried to hide his attraction to her. At first, she was just so happy to see any of her friends or someone who wouldn't treat her as a princess. With the flow of time, he somehow got under her skin. She even laughed at his jokes now. It took her 2 years, but still...  
  
Xellos obviously thought that it was just a matter of time for her to come running into his arms... But Amelia wasn't sure. She was in love only once, it didn't want to relive it... Ever again...  
  
It took her 3 months to stop crying herself to sleep. Another 3 months for that feeling in the bottom of her stomach to wear off, that awful feeling... The constant anxiety... Always felt like something bad just happened...  
Then another half a year to stop measuring up to his standards... Every time she looked at herself in the mirror... 'What would Zelgadis-san think if he saw those dark circles under my eyes?' 'No, this dress is no good... What would Zelgadis-san think if he saw me looking like this?'  
  
But now, she felt free. Didn't even think of him that much, really. Just when she would accidentally come across her old pink bracelet, or beige clothes. She really disliked beige now.  
  
So, it wasn't all that probable she would let herself fall in love again, or trust in someone as wholeheartedly as she had Zelgadis.(Especially if the person in question was literally a monster?) She wasn't even sure if she had the right to blame Zelgadis... He never really confessed his love or said anything... Just... The way he sometimes looked at her... She was so sure... Oh... How could she help herself being just a tiny bit bitter about the whole thing? And so hurt... Lina was her friend. If Lina loved him, she could never have him... Ever... Even if he had wanted her. Huh... Nevermind, nevermind, it was over now.  
  
'Amelia? Someone tried to get you into a beige dress again?' Xellos' voice brought her out of her thoughts.   
  
'Ah, Xellos, you know I prefer purple these days....' She said playfully. Maybe flirting with him was wrong; maybe it gave him the wrong impression... But she just couldn't help it. It was fun.  
  
Xellos was probably just about to reply with some kind of sexual innuendo, but a faint knock on the door was heard. So Amelia ordered him to phase out. It was just not proper for a monster to be found in a princess' bedroom.  
  
A couple of maids rushed in and immediately started fussing with her clothes and hair. Tonight was the big ball in honor of her 19'th birthday. 19, already. She didn't look like it. She didn't feel like it... But there it was. 19 and she has never been kissed. So sad. There she was, at the age when her hormones were raging, and looking her best... Full of undefined desires… And she's never been REALLY touched by a man. Not for the lack of opportunities, of course. Or desire. She just couldn't... Not unless it was love. Everything else felt dirty. But she was growing tired of it, really fast… Amelia dreamt of being kissed so forcefully she would have the air knocked out of her lungs, touched so shamefully that she couldn't even dare to think about it, to touch someone herself, to make someone beg for more, gasp from pleasure… 19 and a virgin. 19 and never been kissed.  
  
Maybe she should kiss Xellos? She entertained that thought for a while, now. That would be the best solution. They were already friends, and she was sure Xellos would understand that all she wanted from him was a bit of physical pleasure. He was a mazoku; he probably wasn't even capable of feeling more. But, she was well aware that when the time came, she would freeze. It had to be love, it just had to.   
  
The preparations were over. Hair, make up, the dress, all in place. What the mirror was showing was a beautiful young woman in a blood red dress, like a second skin all the way to her hips, where it flared slightly. There were no plunging necklines on any of her dresses; she was still a bit uncomfortable about her breast size. But the dress did a good job at showing off her curves and shoulders, which she considered more erotic anyways. Not that she was going for erotic, of course... Well… Maybe just a little… After all, she was all grown up now…  
  
Xellos was her companion for the evening. The people of Saillune were used to seeing him accompanying her, and accepted him as one of her traveling companions and close friends. Nobody knew he was a mazoku, tough. That was a well kept secret between Amelia and Xellos… Saillune WAS the capitol of white magic.  
  
Amelia checked her watch. She was 15 minutes late, very fashionable and princess like. It was safe to go now. She made her way through the endless halls of the palace, and finally arrived to the ancient staircase which led directly into the ballroom. Xellos was waiting for her at the top, as always. He was smiling his 'I know something you don't know' smile, like always. He then gave her a long appreciative look, and spoke: 'Amelia... Stunning as always. I'm a very lucky mazoku to be able to be your partner tonight.'  
  
'Shhhh, Xellos, please, no m-word in the palace' She told him as she took his hand. They slowly started going down, step by step. 'Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune and Xellos Metallium!' the announcer yelled at the top of his lounges. All eyes in the room went to the couple, and soon they were drawn into the mass of people already there. Mingling, dancing, exchanging empty and meaningless pleasantries. Xellos was of course, the master of this art. He was very popular around the palace. Even managed to avoid answering questions with 'That's a secret'…. Mostly.  
  
Around 10 o'clock Amelia took her place at the head of the table and readied herself for the endless line of nobles and royalty waiting to give their regards and best wishes. One by one they passed, she couldn't tell them apart by now. With their elegant accents and carefully chosen words and phrases, grrr… Sometimes it seemed that Xellos was the most human person she knew. Tragic, really.  
  
She caught a glimpse of a beige suite somewhere in the line. Beige, she shuddered. The color was not fashionable this season, she thought herself relatively safe from it. When the beige wearing offender came closer, she froze…. The man looked like Zelgadis in almost every way. The hair style, the suit, the brazen look he was just giving her. The way his hand freed his other eye from his hair. Only, the man was entirely human… And not blue in any way. Mybe Zelgadis-san found his cure..?  
She would have to wait for him to speak; she would know that deep smooth voice anywhere… Her eyes rose slowly to meet his, and then he spoke.  
  
It was Zelgadis. 


	3. Black is for villains

A/N: I am sorry for not writing anything sooner, but i really do plan on finishing it. Soon, I dare to hope. ;)  
  
  
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Somewhere, from the deep, from somewhere in her mind that slept, this panic, this urge to run away arouse. She couldn't, couldn't stay there… She hated beige for god's sake... Why was he still wearing beige? Why did he have the same smile even tough he was human? Why did he still look so …. Why was he Zelgadis still? And why did she care?  
  
She wasn't supposed to care, not anymore. Her nails dug into the tablecloth, digging for security. A glass turned over, all over her lovely dress, but that was irrelevant now. She fought an epic struggle with the dangerous and dark chocolate bitter feelings that twisted her stomach for so long, and she won. She was cured now… So proud of herself, so independent... so strong…  
  
And now she ran away at the first sight of him, muttering some lame excuse about her stained dress.  
  
She stopped when she was deep in the garden. Her breath was coming in short, hurried gasps… Amelia couldn't tell if it was because of her physical or mental state.  
How could he have that effect on her?  
  
It was just the surprise. She hadn't expected him in Saillune, that's all. And why was he here? He had his cure, so he wasn't here for the great Saillune libraries. That must mean... He was here to see her? The spoiled annoying brat they all left 2 years ago? Got bored of Lina so soon?  
  
No. That was no way to behave, even when in state of utter panic. She must calm down. Just can't let the mental shields and defenses she has been building for 2 years crumble. Even if she loved Zelgadis still. But... Wait...  
  
Was there still love? Amelia closed her eyes and ventured deep into herself. The feelings flooded her. She carefully tried to sort and identify each and every one. There was fear, fear that she didn't forget him. Fear that he would wreck her again. There was desire; yes, Zelgadis still looked good. There were uncertainty and anxiety, which together formed panic… But wasn't she supposed to be overjoyed that he came if she still loved him? Thanking heavens for bringing him back to her? Where was that?  
And where were... tenderness….longing... Where was love?  
  
Her breath was even now. No cause for panic. She was still the same Amelia she was an hour ago. Now she felt even a little glad that he came, she hasn't seen any of them except Xellos for 2 years. The reasons of his sudden arrival were still a mystery, but knowing Zelgadis, they weren't personal. Who knew what were his goals and aspirations now, that he was human.  
  
Yes, she could go back now.   
After she changed her dress, of course.   
  
  
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Zelgadis was on his third cup of coffee this evening, and Amelia still wasn't back. Well, women take their sweet time when it comes to their appearance, he mused. And Amelia certainly looked even better then he remembered now.  
  
And of course, his return was kind of sudden. He really wasn't sure if he will come right until today. His mind wondered to the last 2 years of his life.  
  
The search for the cure was pretty much it, for the first 6 moths. That, and getting some work as a bandit kill… I mean, cleaner, to support himself. The rumors of him being Lina Inverse's traveling companion made him very wanted, indeed.   
  
While dispatching of a particularly nasty group, he noticed a very old and massive looking chest. He hurried with the bandit kill… cleaning, and examined the chest. There was an extremely powerful protection spell upon it. That sparkled his interest, so he dragged the chest to his inn for the painful process of breaking the spell. It took him 3 days... 3 days of not sleeping, not eating… And there it was. A copy of Claire Bible in mint condition. He had found it… His cure…  
  
He just stared at it. Zelgadis was one of the living dead for whole following week, not talking, mechanically doing necessary things like breathing, eating and bathing. Finally the time to decide what he REALLY wanted has come. Does he ignore the cure...? And stay a powerful chimera... that would be good in some ways. He could keep his 'I don't need anyone act' and stay his usual brooding self; no one would know that he had his chance and missed it. It would be so much easier... being human, with all those responsibilities and emotions was hard and dangerous work. He would have no excuses, not any more. But... He really couldn't do that. He couldn't let his fear of changes and maturity get in the way of what he wanted for years now… He couldn't bear to look at himself in the mirror if he just let this opportunity pass him by because he was a coward. So… Human, once more… Now what?  
  
A clean slate. A normal, even handsome appearance. All the time in the world… And nothing to do. No goals, nothing to drive him forward. No shroud of romantic mystery upon him. At first he just continued traveling and taking on jobs when he needed them, trying to find out what is it he really wanted to do. When he was a chimera, his thoughts never went as far as this… Turning human was supposed to be a happy end in itself.   
  
It was then when thoughts of Amelia came back with a vengeance. She was always here, somewhere, in the back of his head, more then he had expected her to be, but now… The bracelet was no longer necessary as a reminder, because everything reminded him of her. Flowers, short girls, blue eyed girls, white, pink, justice, crime… It was really strange. He blamed it on being single for a while; he never stayed at one place long enough for dating. So he tried that too.  
  
It was a disaster. Not the dates, he knew what he was doing. The girls swooned and bought every cliché he threw at them. But they were all so… similar to each other… Predictable, blind. Maybe it was his fault, for never lingering long enough to know the better. Maybe he should have tried harder…   
  
… If he could only forget... About her smile. How could she smile like that, after all she's been through, after everything she had seen? What kind of strength was that? About her random chatter which just radiated positive energy, and it was almost like he fed of it, despite being part mazoku. About her non-wavering trust in people, that they would do well, if only they had the chance. And her big blue eyes. And her breasts, heaving with her breathing… Zelgadis quickly stopped this train of thoughts, getting... excited was no use to him now.  
  
So he decided to come back to Saillune, to see her again, to see what he really felt. It would be fun, and… It was not as he had anything better to do.   
  
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She hummed under her breath while searching her closet. She wanted to look dangerous, new, different. Untouchable, independent. She came across a long black crushed velvet dress, strapless, with a slit in the back, tight, flaring only from the knees... kind of mermaid-ish. She twisted her hair up into a messy knot, and then applied some black eyeliner. Her normally expressive eyes looked even more alluring, her pale skin seemed porcelain…Yes, she did look her age now.   
  
The feeling of eyes devouring her. 'Hello Xellos, missed me already?', she spoke casually as she turned around.  
'Not really. But as your date, I had to go and find you when people began to notice your disappearance. ', he winked.  
Then he took a long, hard look at her, and opened his eyes.  
'My, my princess, this is a new style for you. One that suits you perfectly, I must say. But I thought only villains wear black?'  
  
Amelia giggled, and said with a mischievous glint in her eyes: 'I know, I know… But I do feel a little bit evil myself tonight. By the way, Zelgadis is back. As a human.'  
  
'So you decided to make him see what he was missing all these years? The dress is very appropriate then, Ame-chan.' Xellos replied, his grin shrinking a little.  
  
'You don't have to worry… Nobody can replace you as a friend; you've been here for me when nobody else has. And as something more… It was good seeing Zelgadis again. It made me realize I am truly over him. But yes… Showing him what he was missing might be somewhere in my mind too. I am against revenge and all that... Just… Maybe he could suffer just a little bit; after all he put me through? 'Amelia said, her grin resembling that of Xellos a bit.  
  
'In that case, I'll be of help. Annoying Zelgadis has always been a special pleasure', the mazoku answered. He took her hand and led her back to the ball.  
  
  
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Xellos cursed under breath. After all this time, why did he have to come back? Things with Amelia were going better then ever, and he even caught her looking at him a couple of times with more then friendship. Why did he feel such a desire for a human that was a total opposite of him and everything he represented was beyond him, but…? He always got what he wanted. 


	4. The Party

A/N: I know it's been a while. A looong while. This colledge year is really difficult for me, and demanding, so it's hard to find the time or will to write something. I apologize for the long wait, and I promise I'll have the next chapter up in 1 week tops.  
English is not my native langauge, as you can probably tell ;) SO grammar can be a bit awkward sometimes. Just warn me if you see any mistakes, and i'll try to fix it!   
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The whole evening passed in some kind of a haze, thanks to wine, heat and the sheer multitude of people around her. The ladies of her court complimenting her 'new look'; the men, well... Being men and leering at her. Countless dance partners whirled her around the ballroom, and as many glasses of wine passed through her hands... To replenish her lost energy, and help her keep the pleasant smile that went with being a princess.   
  
It certainly wasn't just that she was the only person not having fun at her own birthday party; but the world was an unjust place (even tough Saillune was certainly better than most places). Yes, what a shocking statement coming from her, she thought bitterly. Most people thought she still hasn't realized that, and she always tried to keep it that way. It made her people happy to think that a person like that still existed; good, unspoiled, innocent... That she managed to keep herself so pure in spite of everything she went through. The dark thoughts that sometimes gripped her and the pain of having her heart broken for the first time were only for her to bear... She was a princess, and as such owed herself and her life to her people. These matters were something that just belonged to the dark in her bedroom.  
  
She never cried, she would just lie down in the dark of her room and tried to consciously seal off the parts of her inside that hurt so badly. At first, she thought it would be easier with people around, cause then she could just slip into the same old pattern of childish behavior and unbridled enthusiasm she was known for... But she would feel lonely, and it she would feel even worse. 'Never less alone than completely alone', was a quote she once read, and noo knew to be true.  
  
Her big eyes screamed for help, but she could almost SEE what everyone was thinking: "Little Amelia, look how cute she is, look at that smile; pat that head, give her a pretty trinket and laugh at her passionate and just declarations. But never look at her long enough to see the way she really felt, never approach her without a patronizing smile, and never treat her as your equal. Because... What does she know about the world?"  
  
Xellos was the only one that knew. Sometimes, in that dark, she would hear the rustling of fabric in the quiet of her room. She would shift a little in her bed to allow room for him, and soon felt two strong, soothing arms around her. They would lie like that for hours, not saying a word, and not sleeping. Amelia never wanted to sleep, because the times that she felt so peaceful and protected were rare and valuable to her, and Xellos... Well, who knew anything of his motives? These night occurrences were never mentioned in the day... The harsh light could ruin the fragile comfort she had in him, and she wasn't ready to talk about it, because she just couldn't explain it.   
  
She was called back to reality by a new glass of wine offered to her by yet another of her guests. It came as no surprise that the hand which held the glass belonged to Zelgadis; her evening was obviously on a downward spiral. She gratefully accepted the wine and tried to be equally graceful about the company; she really had nothing against Zelgadis at this moment. But… She was so tired... Too tired to cover up all the anxiety and annoyance his sudden appearance caused her. Slowly raising her head, she gave him a long, hard look, trying to see into him... To find anything that didn't make her want to turn and leave.  
  
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When Amelia finally entered the room, Zelgadis was taken aback at how different she looked. Still beautiful, maybe even more so than just an hour ago, but the change was almost dramatic. It couldn't have been just the dress, it was her posture, the serious and piercing look, the set of her chin. Serious, grown up, elegant. It took his breath away.  
  
He tried to make his way through the crowd to be near her, but everytime he got close, she would be snatched away by one of her many guests. Fist clenching in sheer frustration, he sat down near the dance floor, waiting for his opportunity to finally talk to her. But.. What would he say? 'Hi Amelia, I'm human now, I've found you attractive for a long time, but couldn't do anything about it before cause I was sleeping with your best friend. I'm available now, though'.. wasn't the best approach. He would have to seduce the little princess bit by bit... And Zelgadis was pretty sure of his imminent succes. She fell in love with him once; without any encouragment from him. How could she possibly resist him then if he used all his charm (and he had charm, judging by the giggling serving girls eyeing him even now) on her?  
  
He was so deep in thought that he didn't even notice Xellos until he sat right next to him, sporting a smile even more annoying then usual, if it was even possible.   
  
"You don't look like you're having much fun, Zel-chan. I would be honored to have this dance, tough", Xellos said in a tone of voice that could only be described as lecherous.  
  
Realizing that strangling Xellos wouldn't be the best way to start a relationship with Amelia, Zelgadis coolly replied through clenched teeth:  
"I'm afraid that would be your last dance, EVER. Now, what are you doing here? I don't think you are exactly welcome here in Saillune..."   
  
His statement was rewarded with a rich laugh coming from Xellos, which was interrupted only to deliver a mocking reply: "Why, Zelly-chan, I am more welcome here than you are, that's for sure. You might even say I'm popular, being the closest friend of the princess."  
  
"What are you doing with Amelia, you pervert?!", Zelgadis almost yelled. "You stay away from her, you hear? Thanks to the Claire Bible, I am more powerful then I used to be... And I will protect my friends."  
  
Xellos seemed to think all of this amusing. "Friends? Where were you for the last 2 years when your 'friend' needed you? Have you bothered coming to see her even ONCE? I was there, by her side, when nobody else cared... You are free to think whatever you want, but Amelia and I have a special relationship nobody can threaten. Not even you. Especially not you. If you want to worm your way back in her life... Well... You've done too little, and came too late. It would be better for all of us if you just left her alone... Go away, Zelgadis." With that said, Xellos turned his back and left.  
  
Was there a threat in his eyes, just now? Or was it threatening enough that his eyes were open? Zelgadis decided not to dwell on that right now, and just find Amelia. He's eyes started scanning the crowd, every now and then meeting some enamored woman's gaze, but finally, there she was.. All alone, taking a break it seemed. Chance, chance!, his heart sung. Once again surprised by the strength of emotion he felt in his chest every time he saw her, he pushed forward through the crowd. He picked up two glasses of wine from a passing servant, and covered the final couple of steps that divided them. She looked a bit tired and worried, so he just wordlessly offered her the glass... Waiting for her to speak and acknowledge his presence. 


	5. Songfics

Zelgadis was in a state of shock.

The conversation with Amelia was replayed over and over in his head, and he couldn't find what he did wrong... He was witty, showered her with compliments, and even tried getting to her soft side by bringing up 'the good old times'. Amelia was polite and a good hostess, but...  Nothing more. No blushes; no flirting, no confusion in here. Like his appearance meant nothing to her. Once or twice, he even got the distinct feeling he was annoying her.

How did this happen?!

Who was that stranger smiling to him over her wine glass?

For the first time, he realized that maybe her appearance wasn't the only thing that changed. She was graceful, composed, never lacked the right thing to say and fun to be around...   
  


That night, Amelia had a dream.

She was standing on a ledge, trying hard not to look down, not because of the height, but because.. Down there stood Zelgadis.

_Hello_

_My name is_

_somewhere_

_near you_

_Though you seem to_

_forget_

_such important things_

He was looking as cold as ever, somehow detached from all that surrounded him. Look at me, she wanted to scream. Look at me, for once, at least, because I'm… Looking at you

_Yes_

_I am here_

_Looking at you_

_Glancing_

He turned around slowly..

_I notice_

_your look_

_all over me_

Suddenly Lina appeared next to him, looking at her intently…

_I remember_

_your cloudy eyes_

_back then_

_So sad_

_but hoping _

_for all i had_

_Destroyed_

They used to be best friends. 

_What important thing _

_has put me off your side_

_I seem to_

_Recognize_

It was so hard.. So hard when they all left.. She would always remember the next few months 

_Sun has helped me_

_to survive those past months_

_Sun has helped me_

_to survive those past months_

_I went thru_

_Still_

She was so young and naïve then. 'I loved him so much', she thought. 'He will just have to love me back..'

_There's some things_

_I can _

_never have_

_Help me_

_understand why_

_I want you_

In the dream, Zelgadis like he was that night, an insecure, human and needy Zelgadis appeared besides the past one. It was almost heartbreaking.. Seeing that pain in him, maybe it was better if he just stayed the way he was in her memory. Strong, a shelter. Someone she could cling to, and not.. The other way around…

_Shine on my darling_

_Like you did_

_before_

_remember_

Why did it have to change? Why did Zelgadis and Lina do.. what they did…If it wasn't for love? 

_We were floating_

_around ourselves_

Amelia's hand automatically flew to her cheek, expecting it to be wet. Her hand traced the surface of her completely dry face. What if she had no tears left? What if there was no love that strong in her anymore? 

_The sun_

_Eyes so strong_

_Like crystal_

_clear_

_liquid marks_

_Watermarks on your skin_

_I feel like it was yesterday_

_We were happy_

_Outrageous_

Yet Amelia was always…

_Outshined_

By Lina as a sorceress, and a woman. By Gourry because she wouldn't even touch a sword. By Zelgadis, because.. he was… Zelgadis

She thought that seeing him would be different, that it would either bring closure or make her love him again, but she didn't expect this. Not this.. emptiness

_There is nothing same back now_

_Though I hope your sight would help me_

_One only_

_Vanishing point of my life..._

The things she thought she could never do without…

_Love_

_Friendship_

Where were they now? What did she have now?

_Loneliness_

__

_Superb world_

_Noone watching me_

_Holy solar system_

_Secrets of the universe_

Yes, she was…

_Outshined_

_A place to die would be great_

She woke to find Xellos beside her, and snuggled closer.

Xellos felt dizzy. He always did when he had his arms around her, just so. The same images would assault his eyes every time he closed them... Sometimes, he would fight. It would hurt to let go, because, like lovers from Dante's hell, what he would remember what it meant to be happy ... Complete and utter happiness, completeness, and love. Those emotions weren't his to feel anymore, but this memory... 

It pushed him toward the stream of stars that was flowing just under his eyelids

It made him gasp for breath

It made him squeeze Amelia tighter

And, then, once again, he saw... He felt... He heard... Something he really hasn't heard for centuries

A song invaded his mind, its words pushing all of the other thoughts out of his mind

And it was all for her... Why hasn't he forgotten her?

_If I should die this very moment_

_I wouldn't fear_

_For I've never known completeness_

_Like being here ___

Blurry images of a smile he loved... Of soft little hands caressing his neck... Of her voice softly raised in a song he couldn't forget... Where is she? He was without her for so long, now...

_All this time I've loved you_

_And never known your face_

_All this time I've missed you_

_And searched this human race ___

The blasted song wouldn't get out of his mind! His breathing became erratic, and his hands were squeezing Amelia's waist much too tight. Why did this... Vague memory of a time long past... Make him feel so much? It left him alone for centuries, her smell, her words, her haunting eyes... 

_Here is true peace_

_Here my heart knows calm ___

Suddenly, everything was calm again. The only thing that got through him was the soothing nothings Amelia was whispering in his ear, while tracing his face with her hand. Then he knew why. Then he knew...

_I've found the one I've waited for_

_The one I've waited for ___

Finally...

_All I've known_

_All I've done_

_All I've felt was leading to this_

_All I've known_

_All I've done_

_All I've felt was leading to this_

_I've found the one I've waited for___

And then the world was blissfully quiet again, and he and his Amelia was all that existed.


	6. Musings

Thank you for all the great reviews... And Airi-chan: Yes, the characters are ooc. But... can you honestly say that you can't see traces of self-centeredness and selfishness in Lina and Zel? I'm just putting a stronger accent on those. As for Amelia... I've always liked her. It seemed to me she was never given much place to grow as a person, and was always in the shadow of everyone else. Hence... This fic. Which is, I admit, AU and OOC at the same time. J

Now.. Onwards with the story!

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            Amelia woke to find Xellos gone, as always. Was he even here last night? He must have been, because the warmth of his body still hasn't left her or the empty place in the bed beside her. The interesting thing about the mazoku was that their body seemed to radiate heat; sleeping next to Xellos made a blanket or a furnace unnecessary. While it was slightly unnerving and well, abnormal, she had gotten used to it and now craved the heat.

            Her head felt like it was smashed in with a hammer. Her sleep was often interrupted with weird dreams and panic attacks, and if there wasn't for the Trickster, Amelia wondered if she would have gotten any sleep at all. But... There was something strange going on with him as well, she could tell. He comforted her and held her close like he always did at nights, but in the rare intervals of the night that she was awake enough to notice anything, he felt... distant. And restless. And somehow in pain. Could it be? Could mazoku feel pain in that way? And why had she felt it? Was the bond between them that strong now?

            Enough with the questions for now, she decided, this wasn't making her head feel any better. After contemplating returning to bed for a couple of seconds, she proceeded with her morning routine, aware of all the things that must be done this morning. A little magic, water and tea did wonders for her, and soon enough she felt almost strong enough to come out of her room all smiling, cute, innocent little Amelia as expected. That Amelia never had a bad day.

            A walk through her personal gardens would be a nice way to start the day, she decided. Sun and flowers, the birds and the bees, maybe they would somehow dispel all the angst she seemed to constantly feel these days. Amelia knew she shouldn't be like this; she had everything a girl could possibly want... Ponies, pink dresses and hundreds of gallant gentlemen asking for her hand to live happily ever after. But... She wasn't any girl, then. That wasn't what SHE wanted. The question was, though... What did she want? Did she even know?

            She wanted Zelgadis for such a long time, and after that part of her died, it seemed that nothing could ever replace it. Her friendship with Xellos and hard work as a princess helped fill a part of that void, but still, some of the emptiness remained. How to fill it? How can she become complete again? Maybe giving in to Xellos was the answer, and Amelia would once again be filled with sun and smiles.

            No. She didn't want that. 'I belong to myself', she said aloud. 'Never again will I allow all my happiness to depend on one person only. I have to find myself. I have to know what I like, I have to have things that are mine and mine alone. Then I will be stronger, and no one can ever crush me or take the sun from me again'. With that said, the day somehow seemed brighter, and she happily skipped on the path to the palace.

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            Zelgadis spent the morning heavily drinking. Coffee, that is. After last night, he really didn't need or want anything stronger. He spent most of the night thinking about the conversation he and Amelia had, or lack of it, as you could put it. His only company was a bottle of fine red wine he stole, ahem, acquired at the reception, and every time he remembered the cold way Amelia spoke to him, the bottle became a bit emptier. The evening was filled with laughter too, because Zelgadis didn't fail to realize the corniness of the situation he was in. Drinking himself senseless over a girl, really. And it wasn't over Amelia, he kept telling himself. She meant nothing, really. This was just… One of those things...

            One of which things? Love? It couldn't be love; he wasn't the type for it. Lust? It could be, Amelia became... quite an attractive young woman. Was that the reason the lack of attentions to him by Amelia bothered him that much? Probably just his wounded ego, he concluded. And one more thing.

            Xellos. The only man, no - entity – he has ever hated this much, and he was better that him in this case. Amelia smiled sincerely for him, and that thought drove him mad. He would get Xellos – and he would get Amelia too, she wasn't as annoying as she used to be, really – and he would show them all.

            The only thing left to do now was to think of a way to do it.

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            The island defied the laws of physics - there was no other way of putting it. Although it seemed very small when looking at it from a distance, it actually had no end. If you would only there and stray a bit further from the coast, you would find forests, and jungles; deserts and oasis's; snow covered mountains and eternally frozen land. You would never find the same thing or in the same place, and there was only one creature that was always present. Because this was Wolf Pack Island, and there was a yellow pair of eyes watching you wherever you go, and more often than not, after a bit of playing, these wolves would be your end.

            In a place only Xellos and a few of other faithful minions knew, was a Palace. This Palace was so grand and luxurious that it definitely deserved the capital P. Even here wolves roamed freely, among their stone replicas and busy servants, because this was a home of Beastmaster herself, and the wolf was Her beast.

            In this grand place, one figure sat alone. His hair had a purple shine to it, and it would be deemed strange in any other place, but here, he somehow fit in perfectly. A wolf licked his hand like a puppy, and he petted it absently. He looked deep in thought.

            Xellos knew the way he was made. His Mistress chose a lowly human, and used it as a bowl in which to pour a part of her immeasurable powers to get her General and Priest. The Energy and Power she poured in were so pure and of such strength that no human could withstand it; the person the human was; his memories and personality was destroyed and someone new was born – Xellos. So much more powerful, so much BETTER than a human that was before. Of course; he was a tabula rasa, complete blank waiting to be written at the beginning. But his master educated him, showed him everything, taught him everything, made him into what he was now – the Trickster Priest.

            So why were his human memories coming back now? And what did Amelia have to do with them?


	7. Sanity

The songs I used for the songfics are Gorecki by Lamb and an old demo by Bakkslide 7. My friend made an AMV out of it, the scenes taken from Metropolis. It is a truly beautiful video, and to those of you with decent internet connection... I sincerely recommend it. The link is:

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            Red. Red was all Xellos saw. It was the biggest battle he has been in since fighting Darkstar with Lina, Amelia, and the rest, and he has forgotten the strange feeling of peace and cold detachment he felt whenever he was faced with such aggression. This was not complicated. It did not require him to reexamine himself over and over again, and he could just act on his instincts. He was powerful and almost invincible – he could pick off the stupid humans one by one, at his leisure. And it made the emptiness and confusion disappear... Yes, this was what he was made for.

            It was a minor affair, this battle. Not so important, really. Definitely no need for the General to get involved himself. But he did, and relished every painful cry and every twisted emotion he caused on this battlefield. There were a lot of battles of this kind he was getting involved now, for no apparent reason... His Mistress was already getting curious. But he just couldn't loose this! It was so hard... to hang on to his sanity... This double life was essential.

            Every day, or night, it didn't matter; he would spend hours with Amelia. Sometimes she knew he was there and talked to him and hugged him, and sometimes he would just watch from afar and tried to understand. Her proximity was enough to make him feel things... it was so strong! He didn't understand it, and didn't dare to even to think about it – he couldn't tell if he liked it. But Xellos was addicted – he kept coming back for more, every single day.

            She was always so nice to him. And smiled so much! He knew she has almost completely forgotten about his true nature , that she has somehow pushed out of her mind the idea that he was a mazoku, and did many terrible things daily, all in the service of his Mistress. What would she say even now, should she see him inflict such cruelties and pain on humans? What would she say if she knew he enjoyed it, and that it was perhaps the only thing that made him feel himself these days?

            Amelia must never know, because he couldn't stand the thought of her turning away from him... Even if he didn't really know why. She made his existence hell, but she must never fear him.

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            The room was quiet and dark, the only light coming from a single candle in a corner of a much cluttered writing desk. Papers and quilts were everywhere, and the sound of furious scribbling was the only thing that could be heard. A lone figure was hunched over the desk, a look of intense concentration twisting her gentle features into a serious expression that somehow didn't look natural on such a small form. A sense of peace and creation hung in the air, and the room was getting darker by the minute, the candle coming to its end. But the figure seemed lost in a world of her own, and didn't seem to notice anything. Because... Amelia was writing.

            Ever since that walk, where she felt she should be herself again with such clarity, she has been searching for a way to make it happen. She searched her heart, not avoiding and hiding from anything, the emotion being pure or ugly. She thought about everything she loved, and everything she wanted to do, and realized it all headed in the same direction – writing,

            It was a way to purge herself of everything dark that would left unsaid fester and make her bitter, and share herself with the world.. To bring smiles to people she has never met, and maybe even offer small comfort to some who went through the same things she has. It was creation; it was giving something new to the world… The idea grew until it filled her and left no space to think about anything else, and that was when she took quill and started. The words poured out with unexpected strength and seemed to take a life of their own, and all she could do was channel it to paper. 

            Amelia was writing a novel. It was about a princess who was not as beautiful and pure as she should be, about a prince who left her alone and about loves old and new and inappropriate. There were no villains in her novel, because she now knew that you don't need villains to make life sad or complicated. She wanted to make her characters grow and wanted to see what would happen – maybe even getting to her own salvation this way.

            It was early morning, and she hadn't slept at all, and the she still couldn't stop. Soon The-Crown-Prince-Her-Father would come for her and she had thousands of papers to sign and boring people to listen to. Amelia didn't know if she could manage staying awake, but it didn't really matter. This was worth it.

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            Where the hell is she?

            Zelgadis has been searching for Amelia the whole day, and she was nowhere to be found. Princesses liked to stroll gardens, so he checked all the Palace gardens, and nothing. Riding horses was also suitable entertainment for young ladies, so he checked the stables, with similar success. Where is she? What did she like to do?

            That though made him pause. He knew Amelia for years, and that was the first time he asked himself that question. And the truth was... He didn't know. And what started him even more… He felt a sudden urge to find out. A strange thirst to know everything about her, to drink in everything that was Amelia. 

            The thought was strange and new to Zelgadis, and slightly disturbing. Not wanting to think about it now, he wandered of in search of Prince Phil. He has been pestering him to 'have tea and discuss old times' ever since he got here, and he should have a lot of information on what Amelia liked. After all, it might prove useful.

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A/N : I know this had no character interaction in it, and was strictly introspective, but this is just the way it came out. I never plan what I write in advance. I guess the next chapter will be a bit less introspective then J

Lina and Gourry will probably make their comeback to the story, but I can't say when.

Ja ne!


	8. The Garden

            Zelgadis turned in his bed for what seemed the millionth time, unable to stay in one position for more that a couple of minutes. It was barely midnight, and morning seemed light years away. Time kept slowing down more and more, and it was unnaturally hot for this time of year. The night was hot and sweaty, the sounds somehow becoming louder and more disturbing to Zelgadis with every passing second. He finally couldn't take it anymore and he literally jumped out the bed, as if the sweat drenched sheets were burning his skin somehow. Not caring if he was wearing only a pair of loose pants, he headed straight for one of the smaller and less known palace gardens, hoping to cool his head.

            This garden was a favorite of his, somehow. It was small, bright and simple, and it would bring peace and feel your heart with optimism if you would only open yourself to it. Kind of like Amelia, Zelgadis thought. He didn't even try to block out these kinds of thoughts anymore... It was too difficult, and besides, he was too far along in this obsession to still deny it. He lusted after Amelia. There were other feelings as well, but he didn't dare dwell on them too much yet. They were just so new and out of character for him, and they were as disturbing as this night was becoming. Or maybe the night was disturbing because of them. How could he tell?

            He chose the path that would take him to the small secluded pond, for he hoped that would help him bring peace and cool himself. Deep in all kinds of dark thought he never noticed the figure until he was very close... Too close. Close enough to see every detail of the naked body lying on the ground in an artless position. She was still wet, and the water glistened on that smooth skin in the moonlight. Her dark hair clung to her forehead and face, and her eyes were closed, but he knew that if she opened them they would be an unbelievable blue... Amelia's blue.

            Zelgadis was stunned beyond belief and couldn't move any part of the body, and all logic deserted him in a fraction of a second. He never wondered why there was a naked and wet Amelia lying in the grass, he never got beyond the 'naked and wet' part. How could he? He was only a man, and although he usually possessed a fair amount of self control, it has fled somehow with all his other thoughts.

            She glowed. Somehow, she glowed. And every part of her... It was perfect. She seemed soft but firm and it seemed to him she was radiating heat. Her breasts rose and fell with every breath she took and the play of light and shadows on them and her stomach were tantalizing. He knew he should probably leave, and somewhere deep down he was aware she would probably be very angry if he was caught staring. He just... didn't care enough to leave.

                        His blood was on fire.

            He got on all fours and crawled softly and soundlessly through the soft grass without waking her. Now he was mere inches from Amelia's naked form, and the heat became palpable. Her skin was really as white and flawless as it looked from his previous position, he noted. Zelgadis knew there was still time for redemption, and that he still wasn't too far down the line. If he left now, nobody would know. No harm done.

            Oh, but there was. This scene was now permanently carved into his mind, and it was impossible to run away. He knew he would be seeing it every time he closed his eyes and every time he looked at her, and he just couldn't move. Her mouth was slightly parted, and they looked so delicious, just like every other part of her... If he would just reach out, stretch out his arm... He would touch her, feel her, and know her. His hand hovered above her stomach, and traced the line of her waist, breasts, shoulders, neck.  It was too much, and all his senses screamed at him, and he got up and ran as fast as he could, without looking back.

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            Amelia was woken suddenly by a sound, she couldn't comprehend exactly what was it... Her back was stiff from sleeping on the hard ground, and she pinched her thigh in order to punish herself for falling asleep here, again. But it was so hard to resist... It was so hot, and after she had taken a swim, she wanted to lie down just for a moment... The writing has obviously taken its toll on her.

            Slowly she dressed herself and started on the path to the palace, and all thought about the weird sound that woke her left her mind.

A/N:

Back from my vacation. See you guys soon.


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